10s & 1s: Not Getting Bad Reviews? Try Harder.

If there’s one thing I hate about being on the supply side of this business, it’s reviews. When it comes to reviews about my personal productions, I can’t really complain because I’m such a snarky, sarcastic prick that my karma is a trainwreck and I deserve anything that can be thrown at me. But some of our filmmakers and performers are really nice people who simply don’t deserve the beatings they take in reviews, user comments, blogs, etc. And they all read every single post because they all have themselves on Google Alerts these days… it used to be weirdly narcissistic to Google yourself, now you need a Google Alert just to keep track of yourself. So even if a blogger has no readership at all and is just venting his spleen for the fuck of it, his one reader will be the person he’s tearing to pieces. It’d be awful if it wasn’t so downright hilarious.

I’ll give you an example of how things can go awry very quickly. We put out fitness videos with indie rock music playing in sync with the workouts. It was a clever idea and people really dig them. At first we were super on top of making them cool, then we got preoccupied with other projects and let one of the performers take charge of the production and design. The result was that the aesthetic changed and, for whatever reason, the choices she made turned it… less cool. We were surprised we dodged the hipster-snark bullet for the most part on the first batch, but as soon as we took our eyes off the project it was targeted for internet ridicule. Now, to be fair, it kind of deserved a lot of the ridicule… it was the weakest video in the line and the style was a mess. So I have no problem with the fact that it was criticized. But the snark quickly got out of control. In The Onion, Amelie Gillette and her readers called the girls “beefy-thigh indie whores” and went on to say:
- “at least two of them are on heroin, the rest are on crack,”
- the instructor “should have been sold into white slavery when she was 6,”
- and the cast should be “date-raped, murdered, and thrown in a dumpster.”

I mean, jesus christ, whatever happened to Thumbs Down?

I could spend pages and pages recounting the ridiculous verbal sludge I’ve seen thrown at our filmmakers and performers, but I’m not feeling very Sisyphus right now. Again, there are plenty of perfectly fair critical assessments that, while I may not agree, I respect their validity. Then there are the kinds of ad hominem attacks that make you envy Hillary Clinton for the comparatively kid-gloved treatment she received in the primary last year.

But none of that is the point of this blog post. The point of this blog post is sales.

The filmmakers & performers getting kicked in the balls & ovaries by hateful snarks always complain the same complaint “this asshole’s opinion is costing me money, making it harder for me to pay my rent, making it harder for me to feed my family with PERSONAL attacks because I must have somehow pissed him off… did I not sleep with him in high school or something??”

Yes, besides wounded egos, there is also business at hand and even those who can take a few emotional arrows still don’t like losing money and career opportunities based on some random person’s opinion. This is why gangsta rappers are known to stab critics over bad reviews (did you know Wordpress dictionary recognizes the word “gangsta” but not the word “Wordpress?” how awesome is that?)

So… after all this blathering, I’m finally ready to hit you with the twist ending to all this.

Do bad reviews, snark, and hateful blog posts cost filmmakers & performers money and career opportunities? Well, yes, they probably do.

Ok that wasn’t a very good riddle. BUT!

Do bad reviews, snark, and hateful blog posts cost FILMS money?

NO! THEY MAKE THEM SELL MORE!

Well, wait, let me clarify.

In the lexicon of the internet, let’s use a 1-10 star rating system to break down the analytics of a film’s critical reception.

- Movies that get mostly 3 through 6 star reviews (out of 10) are generally our lowest sellers.
- Movies that get mostly 7 through 10 star reviews are our lower midline sellers.
- Movies that get mostly 1 through 2 star reviews are our upper midline sellers.
- Movies that get mostly 1 star reviews or 10 star reviews are our TOP sellers. By far.

Why is this? Beats me. Would I hazard a guess? Sure!

First of all, nobody likes mediocre. People will watch a mediocre movie that’s on TV, but rarely will they run out to the store and plunk down good cash for a mediocre movie. So getting consistent 3-6 star reviews is death.

Why do 1-2 star reviewed films outsell 8-10 star reviewed films? I have no idea. We have a film that has a 91% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes from over 30 reviews… it’s one of our lowest sellers. We have a splatter film that I’ve never heard a single positive thing said about and it pays the rent each month. My gut is that, for whatever reason, people rent the highly-rated films on Netflix (where we make no money) and buy the guilty pleasures.

Of course, it makes perfect sense that titles which consistently score 10s and 1s would be the top sellers, because they’re divisive. People argue about them, get mad at them, champion them… people CARE about them. This is why Rush Limbaugh and Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck and Howard Stern are so ridiculously successful. If you’re not pissing someone off, then nobody cares.

Allow me to demonstrate: Let’s say you love the band W.A.S.P. (haha). Ok, you tell me “holy shit I love W.A.S.P.” and I say “yeah, they’re pretty good.” The conversation is over. You’re not going to champion them to me, nobody fights against lukewarm. But if I say “I fucking hate W.A.S.P., Blackie Lawless is a no-talent prick who should never be allowed in public with buttless leather pants!” Well, now we’re in an argument and we’ll start making some noise. Multiple that conversation a few thousand times across the internet and watch W.A.S.P. albums fly through PirateBay left and right.

Now, here is the flaw in the internet analytics system… if a movie gets 100 6-star reviews and a 100 4-star reviews, a website’s rating system will tell you it’s a 5-star movie. If a movie gets 100 10-star reviews and 100 1-star reviews, the website’s rating system will tell you it too is a 5-star movie. But those two 5-star movies couldn’t be more different.

Good reviews are better than mediocre reviews, but if you’re not getting bad reviews then I have two words of advice for you: try harder.